For non- first time parents, welcoming a new baby brings with it a lot of mixed emotions. The excitement of the baby also comes with fear or anxiety about how the arrival of new baby will affect the older child or children. Parents often fear that this new situation can bring about jealousy and other negative feelings in the older siblings.
We have been blessed to have had this opportunity four times in the course of our five pregnancies. Alhamdulillah. We have also been blessed to have had a fairly smooth transition each time, and we are anticipating this time to be no different inshallah as we wait for the arrival of our newest addition.
Having said that, let me assure you that all of this did not happen just by chance. In fact, we planned and worked towards creating and ensuring that smooth transition for our family each time we were blessed with a new baby.
These are our tried and tested methods for helping older siblings prepare for a new baby.
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Anticipate the changes that are about to come and make the adjustments well before the arrival of the baby
Problem: A new baby will cause massive disruption to your family’s norm. When this happens, it’s natural for older siblings to blame the baby for these disruptions. Let’s face it, they’re right. You can’t spend time with your other children because you are too busy feeding, bathing, changing or putting the new one to sleep. The kids may be missing afterschool activities because it doesn’t work with the baby’s schedule. You may have to move them to a different room (especially if the child co-sleeps), or you may need them to be more independent.
Solution: Anticipate the changes that will come with the new baby, and begin making those changes early in the pregnancy. Don’t wait for the baby’s arrival to start making the necessary changes. Every family’s need is different, so consider the needs of each member of the family. For example, parents may carry small children instead of allowing them to walk by themselves, and run around behind them to feed them rather than having a designated table or high chair. As soon as a new baby arrives, it’s difficult to carry 2 kids so the parents will expect the older child to all of a sudden start walking and sit and eat on a highchair. They may even use phrases such as, “you’re a big brother (or sister) now, I can’t ….”. Such acts can harbor negative feelings towards the baby sibling. Instead anticipate that once the baby arrives, you will need the older kids to have a routine where they sit on their highchair near the dinner table and eat their food independently. Hold their hand and encourage them to walk independently everywhere. For older kids, anticipate that the new baby’s schedule will result in a lack of time for extracurricular activities. Plan to decrease extracurricular commitments early in the pregnancy. Use the extra time gained from cutting out those activities to plan activities at home or close by. For us, that meant that we have had to sacrifice a season of soccer. However, the time we would’ve spent at practice during the week is now serving as our outdoor park time where the kids play soccer, ride bikes or roller skate. It helps that MashaAllah we have an actual park behind our home.
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Have them stay over where you plan to have them stay during your hospitalization
Problem: If the child(ren) will be staying at someone else’s house for the first time during your labor & delivery or as part of your post partum plan, they may feel anxiety or fear. They may even give you trouble when you are dropping them off. The entire ordeal can have a negative affect on the kids and leave them with a negative association for the event.
Solution: Have the child spend some time with those you intend to leave them with during your hospital stay or as part of your post partum plan. When my second child was 1, I found out I was expecting baby #3. At the time, he was exclusively nursing, and would not eat ANYTHING, despite my continuous efforts. When we found out about the new pregnancy, I immediately began planning his transition. I had already started to introduce him to drinking whole milk from a sippy cup prior to the pregnancy, so all that was left was getting him used to spending the day (and night) with someone other than me. We began by having him spend more time at my mom’s house during the day. He later started to take his daytime naps there. One day, when I felt he was comfortble enough, I left him there overnight. That night, I spent practically the entire night laying awake staring at my phone, waiting for the phone to ring. I went to her house first thing in the morning so that he would see me shortly after waking. In the months to follow, I would leave my son at his grandparents home for 1-2 days atleast every other week. If it was one of those especially busy weeks with a lot of social obligations, I would make sure to let him spend at least the night there. I did the same with Baby Z who is 17 months right now. He, too, was very attached to me. Over the last 2 months, Baby Z has stayed at his grandparents home three times. Of those three, one of the stays has been without his other siblings for 48 hours.
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Get them involved in the preparations for the baby’s arrival
Problem: As time nears for the arrival of a newborn, the parents’ excitement increases. This is often as a result of the preparations that are underway. Mother can feel the baby’s kicks and hear the heartbeat on the doppler during her doctor visits. Shopping, setting up the nursery and even packing the baby bag can all bring about excitement in parents. Kids on the other hand, see nothing other than their mother’s growing belly. They are often not included in any of the process. Then, one day, someone will ask, “are you excited about having a new baby sibling?” The child responds with a confused look, “I don’t know”. How can we expect them to be excited if they are not part of the process in ANY way.
Solution: For our kids, we have always included them and tried to connect them to the baby long before the baby’s arrival. When my first 3 were born, I encouraged them to talk to the baby, introduce themselves, tell the baby in the belly about what they did during the day, and recite Surahs and duas for the baby to hear. When baby number four was born, my first three were old enough to be more involved in the preparations. They were always curious about the size of the baby, and interested in feeling him move inside my belly. They loved hearing that the baby was now the size of an orange, or a cantaloupe. They also really enjoyed feeling the baby movements and kicks. In the last few weeks of the pregnancy, I gave them a budget and list, and we went shopping. They did all the work and made all selections. They even came home and helped me with the baby’s laundry, drawer set up and packing for the hospital. We did not have a crib, but if you do, you can even have children as young as 4 participate in building the crib and setting up the nursery.
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Buy presents from the “baby” to give to older siblings
Problem: When a new baby is born, it is customary for friends and family to visit the baby and bring him or her gifts. But, what about the siblings? It sounds strange to ask visitors to bring gifts for all the kids, but lets be real, young children do feel left out when there’s bags and bags of gifts and none for them. It’s natural.
Solution: So, to combat that, my husband and I started this tradition 8 years ago when my son was born. The new baby always gives his or her siblings a gift upon arriving home from the hospital. This is not only a nice gesture, but it also gives a positive start to the new sibling relationship. As a result, you may even see the kids getting excited for the presents that the baby receives from friends and family.
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Once here, encourage older siblings to get involved
Problem: Similar to when we were preparing for the arrival of the newborn, involving older siblings after the baby’s arrival is also crucial to their overall relationship. If the kids are not involved, there is a higher chance that they will be neglected. Even if you have a good support system for your postpartum days, the older child or children will notice your lack of involvement in their life, and may begin to blame the new baby for that.
Solution: If you involve older siblings in the care of the new baby, they will start to develop a connection with their new sibling. They will feel a part of the baby’s life rather than a bystanders. Its also a great habit to instill in young kids to be helpful, both as character development and also for life to be a bit easier you to manage. Involve children based on their capabilities so that it is still fun for them and not a daunting chore. For example, when my son was born, my daughter was 20 months old. She was very intelligent and understood just about everything. During diaper changes, she would bring me the baby’s diaper, wipes, and anything else I needed. Then, she would sit next to the baby and talk to him while I changed his diaper. I also allowed her to hold him for a few minutes whenever she wanted to, she would sing to him before his naps, and as he got older and started using the bouncer, she would run and get him different toys to keep him entertained. When my second daughter was born, my son was 20 months old, and though he too was incredibly intelligent, his capabilities were very different from that of his older sister. He had a lot of energy and wasn’t as verbal as his sister. So, his job when the new baby was born was to run and get the diaper from his sister and bring it to me, that’s it. With Baby Z, the first 3 were old enough to hold him, burp him and occasionally when I pumped, feed him.
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Put a positive spin on everything
Problem: Baby’s are hard to understand even for adults, so expecting a child to understand the needs of a newborn baby is unrealistic. Babies cry, they laugh and everything in between and try doing it all sometimes randomly without any rhyme or reason. Imagine a 2 year old who wants to hold their newborn sibling, you give him the baby cradling your arms under the toddlers and the baby begins to cry. How do you think that makes a child feel? Many people will take the baby right back to comfort him. The baby will stop crying and the toddler is left to feel as if it were his fault that the baby was crying.
Solution: If instead the parents encourage the older siblings by presenting every scenario in a positive manner, it will leave the child with a more enjoyable experience with his baby sibling. For example, whenever the baby would cry, I would tell my other kids that the baby wants his older brother or sister. They would happily come running to comfort the baby. If an older sibling is holding the baby and the baby begins to cry, give them a few minutes to try and comfort the baby or give them some pointers. If you must take the baby, be sure to give them a reason that won’t make them feel inadequate. I would often tell the kids that its because I must not have finished feeding him, and before taking the baby back, I would ask the child to let the baby know that Mommy’s very sorry she didn’t finish feeding you and that I (the child) will give you (the baby) back to Mommy so she can finish nursing.
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Set aside special time
Problem: Babies take a lot of time. Its hard to find time to fulfill your own basic necessities in the early days of postpartum. It is during this time that older children can feel neglected.
Solution: With careful planning you can put in place a support system to help you in the first few weeks to take care of the basic necessities for the older children. However, even with the support system, you will need to find and schedule in special time with the kids. Having that support system will allow you to use your energies in bonding with the kids rather than satisfying their basic needs. With younger kids, you can read a book while nursing the newborn or do simple craft and sit down activities. Use the baby’s nap time to cuddle and play with older kids. For older children (5 and above), nursing sessions are a great time for uninterrupted conversations. Be creative and do what works for you but be sure to set aside a designated time during the day to give your other children some undivided attention.
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Never use the “J” word
Problem: When a new baby is born, somehow the older siblings’ every act is perceived by some as “jeolousy”. If a toddler demands mom’s attention, or a 6 year old has a temper tantrum, or the tween shows attitude, it’s assumed that they are Jealous of the new baby and that’s why they are “acting out”.
Solution: Let me start by saying this, a child ALWAYS needs their mother’s attention, regardless of age. Younger children may find it more difficult to be understanding towards a new situation such as the demands of a newborn, while older children may find it easier, however, it does not mean that it’s easy for them. Just as the mother needs time to adjust to the demands of a new baby, so do older siblings. Classifying an act as “jealousy” will only bring about negative thoughts. Take that negativity away. Look into the situation without jumping to the “jealousy” conclusion.
I like to include my kids in just about everything I do, including my blogposts. So, when I was preparing my notes for this post, I asked the kids for their input. I asked them, “What things would you prefer I do to help you get ready for the arrival of your new baby sister?” (Please remember that my kids are a little older now, ages 10,8 & 6, the 17 month old didn’t have an input only because he didn’t understand the question)
Here’s what they told me:
- Teach us how to care for the baby (such as diaper changing- what they wanted was to have unofficial “classes” for each baby task)
- Let us buy you a gift instead
- Give us a schedule so we know what to expect
Do you have any tips & tricks that you’ve used to help transition children into their new role as an older sibling? I would love to hear it. Please comment below and share your tips.
